But I’m trying to figure out exactly what that means. Last week I had a great talk with a dear friend about exactly that.
Some context, I’m a middle class, heterosexual, white male. This country was built by people like me, for people like me, and for most of our nation’s history, it has been run exclusively by and for the benefit of only people like me, at the expense and marginalization of others.
I think that is the key word, marginalized. And in honing in on that word, my friend and I were able to come up with what I think is a pretty good way to define what it means to be an ally.
To begin with, I think it’s worth attempting to define the trap that many people like me fall into when we try to become allies in civil rights movements: as white people, and particularly as white men, we are very accustomed to seeing leaders who look like us; we have been taught both implicitly and explicitly that the color of our skin is associated with leadership and other positive values, and so even when our intentions are pure and good, we often step into movements of people who look, act, or think differently than we do and expect some degree — if not total — leadership and control from the outset of our involvement. This doesn’t make us bad people, but, I believe highlights the powerful trends we face in the fight to improve our society and make it more equitable. We are used to leading, and we are also accustomed to those who aren’t like us becoming marginalized so that we may lead.
But what I think it means to to be an ally is much different, rather it is to marginalize oneself — to an extent — and in doing so marginalize those that we see as being proponents of the status quo and therefore obstacles to equality. This is necessarily a two step process that involves a degree of humility.
The first step is to realize that though and when our intention are pure and our hearts are in the right place, we cannot relate to the struggles of historically oppressed and marginalized people. I can feel empathy for gay lovers whom — until recently — would have been denied the civil right of marriage in many places. However as a straight man, I can not relate directly to how that must feel, and therefore it is not my place to assume that I deserve a leadership role in the gay rights movement. The same is true for any identity group of which I am not a part. This isn’t to say that there isn’t a leadership role for me to play, but as an ally my role and my goal is not one of immediate or direct leadership, it is to understand the struggles of those whom I hope to support by listening to and respecting their views, and learning how I can be most helpful. That is to say I must separate myself from the prevalent American narrative of white, male leadership and privilege being comfortable as a leader by understanding that society’s historical value of my white skin does not necessarily or immediately make me the savior of people who are different.
The second form of marginalization required to be an ally is that of marginalizing the people who look like me, but think differently. This, I believe, is where allies are truly important because we are now discussing raw numbers, and numerically — for the time being — America is white country. Now again, not all white men are bad. I happen to know a great many straight, white men just like me who are wonderful people. But it’s also no secret that the forces most opposed to equality comprise predominantly — sometimes exclusively — white people. There is no moral or silent majority, and the actual majority, those of us who stand for equality for all, need to be make our voices heard. We need to prove it.
Therefore, I view my main role as an ally as the marginalization of those who speak against equality. By adding my voice to the collective voice of an historically marginalized group I believe I can help bring about a paradigm shift in which marginalization is no longer based on skin color, sexuality, or gender, but rather on kindness, compassion, and empathy. Put simply, the white people who are the most active marginalizers of others need to become the most marginalized group in our country if we are to move forward. Imagine it as marginalization based on values, which of course are malleable and based on experience, as opposed to marginalization based on identifying factors which are inherent and totally outside an individual’s control.
So yes, I’m fine with judging the judgmental, and I’m fine making them feel bad about being that way. The hurt feelings of today’s bigots are in no way on par with the historical and modern wrongs dealt with daily by all sorts of minority groups.
Ultimately, my goal is neither to disparage nor harm white people, I am one after all, but to make some of us feel the way that many (most, all?) black people in America feel: marginalized. I believe that is a more extreme form of humbling than that which it takes to become an ally oneself, but that ultimately such humility is necessary for progress. I must accept that is not my place or right to lead others simply because of my skin, but at least I can arrive at that conclusion on my own. Unfortunately, many who look like me cannot, and I think a heavy dose of reality is needed to change that. Reality, as defined here, is the simple truth that there is nothing inherent about anyone that makes him or her any more or less valuable as a human being. There is nothing inherently “better” about being white — although there is currently something inherently “luckier” about being white — just as there is nothing inherently “worse” about being black or gay or a woman or you name it.
People who believe that their identity makes them better than others need to be hit hard by this reality, and it will hit them hardest if it is delivered by people who look like them. In America in 2016 that means that the voices of straight white men like me are actually incredibly important, but only if we can accept our our role as allies a part of that process.
And I think perhaps the most gratifying part of that realization is that in a way it reflects an even truer and stronger form of leadership.
To anyone who doesn’t look like me, please let me know, am I the kind of ally you need?